maniccupcake.net

So I told him I wouldn’t do this, but I’m linking the exes blog. A series of incidents has made me realize I don’t really care if it pisses him off, or leads him back to my blog. The incidents are as follows:

I wished him a happy birthday almost a month ago. I was being nice. I’ve always wanted to try remaining friends. The fact that he can’t get over it after he broke up with me and decided that he made a mistake is not my issue. Obviously he made a mistake, I am fucking amazing. He proceeded to ream me out for saying happy birtday, then wrote on his blog that I was obviously a cunt and was trailing him along for ego strokes.

Uh hi buddy, I don’t need your ego strokes. I still care about you even though you’re probably the world’s largest douche, but whatever. Exsqueeze me for being nice. I assure you, that will not be happening again. I still have high five on my case, my awesome boyfriend (who I seriously love to death, despite his few short comings) and other dudes. I don’t need any ego strokes and honestly, being hit on makes me uncomfortable.

I also apologized for some stuff I put him through right at the end of our relationship. It was basically my current situation in reverse. Now I know how incredibly stressful it must have been. That’s another big reason why I texted him. But yes, I am an awful awful person.

I read his blog today and it turns out “Benefits Girl” (his main “girl”) is also into modelling. He mentioned how when we were together I was into the same thing because I wanted attention. Uh no. I didn’t pursue any photographers, they pursued me. I did two shoots before he and I got together and I stopped when we began dating because it made him uncomfortable. That’s just how I am. I accommodate and I do whatever I can to make my partner 100% comfortable. I even stopped talking to a majority of my male friends.

It’s been super awesome that the beau isn’t insecure like that. I’ve never been a cheater, and i never will. I get plenty of attention at home. The modelling is just a hobby, and extra money. I don’t go taking my clothes off or approaching photographers. I wait for them to contact me.

So yes. A huge attention whore. That’s me. Also, this girl of his signed up with the same agency as me (if it is who I think it is) and its hilarious and awkward when we run into each other. I don’t know if she even knows who I am. I do remember being incredibly wary of her when the ex and I broke up because they hung out a bit and he and I were still talking (read boning)

Always trust your gut ladies.

Anyway, his whole blog makes me out to be the bad guy and there’s even a few comments where people say how awful I am. It was funny at first, now it’s just offensive and hurts a tiny bit. Especially since he knows i read his blog. And dammit I can’t stop. It’s like a car crash you can’t turn away from.

It takes every ounce of my being not to comment on his blog and say, “Yes. I am a huggeee attention whore. Yet you’re the one wheeling 3 or 4 different women at the same time. Mmmhmmm.”

He is on the other hand, a very gifted writer. He has a decent following and he really knows how to spin a story and captivae the reader, I’ll give him props for that. If you feel like watching the wreckage and reading about his taking the ladies on his roster along for the ride you can find him at:

behindthephd.blogspot.com

Sorry I’ve been lacking in the updates department. I was in a bit of a funk (as I’m sure you all noticed) and wasn’t in the mood for writing. Ontop of that I’ve been a busy little lamb with work, and then I told my internet company to go eff themselves so i’ve been without internet.

But alas, I found an application that turns my blackberry into a wireless adapter. Yes, it is an amazing little thing. Anyway, I have a funny story for you. Last weekend was a holiday here in the great white north. I spent my Monday generally not feeling well, but at work (and for 25$ an hour, why not?) fooling around on my blackberry and sitting on the counters.

Yes yes I know, bad bad. Anyway, this old, miserable lady runs a bookstore behind us and she complained to the other manager that we were being inappropriate at work. I’m still trying to figure out how exactly, but whatever. Naturally as soon as I came into work on Thursday I was pulled aside and asked what happened.  I did what I always do, deny deny deny. I’m fairly certain anyone would do the same thing in my situation.

And then things got very very bad. As I was walking away from my lecture I went to text the other girl I was working with on Monday, I said, “I hate (insert name of bookstore here). The old bitchy manager ratted on us for Monday. I’m never shopping there again.

I tucked my phone into my pocket and went on my lunch, not thinking much of it until my phone dinged at me a few seconds later. I looked at my phone and it said, “This is Brittany.”.I could have died. I accidentally texted her instead of the other girl.

Whoops. Again, shit happens and I didn’t think much would come of it. So I sat on the counter? So what. Well apparently it was a huge deal. I got a final warning (meaning next time I make a mistake I’m fired)and she went and reviewed the mall tapes to see what we did that day! She honestly went that far. If I had been Mall Security I would habve laughed in her face.

The whole situation is laughable. Did I mess up? Yes. But should I receive a final warning when I’m a model employee, have the highest sales, am management and have never been written up before? No. So eff that. I started applying for new jobs right away.

In fact, tomorrow I have an interview before work. If I get it it will be very very good. Cross your fingers and toes for me. I also may have a promotional modelling gig on Saturday. Things can only get better, right?

I’m entering day 8 of my 11 day working stretch. I am not liking it. There are a million things stressing me out right now, and work is not helping one bit. So..here I will have one huge rantfest, and I will number everything so you can sympathsize and make me feel better in the comments. Okay?

1)Work.

I love my job about 80% of the time. The rest of the time i’m frustrated because things are going wron. We just got new systems and there’s a ton of bugs. I haven’t gotten my commission pay in close to two months, and when I do get it, it’s always very very wrong. I hate standing for 8 hours a day, and it just sucks in general. I’m usually horrible grumpy by the time I get home and my feet reak.

2)Money

I have none. I’m in the middle of filing for bankruptcy, my pay is never right and I’m just tired and making ends meet is getting really difficult. I actually pawned stuff yesterday so I could buy dog food. The real kicker was when I dropped the dog food, ripping the bag open and spilling the contents all over the side walk as I walked to the bus stop.

I’m not going to lie, I cried a bit.

3)Withdrawal

Because I’m working the work week(s) from hell, I havent’ been able to go to the doctor to get a refill on my medications. Have I mentioned i’m bipolar? I tried to taper everything off hoping the after math wouldn’t be too bad, but it hasnt’ helped.

I have hot and cold flashes, I’m miserable and crampy, my moods swing back and forth and I’m effing exhausted all the time. The lack of meds causes me to have horribly vivid nightmares. I usually wake up a slick, sweaty mess in the middle of the night breathing heavily and on the brink of an emotional melt down.

Doesn’t that sound like fun?

4)Have I mentioned I’m miserable?

I’m lashing out at everything and everyone. The boyfriend has been pretty supportive, but I think last night he had abotu enough and I was left in the bedroom stiffling sobs. I did what I do best by locking myself in the bathroom, sobbing loudly and turning the tap on so he wouldn’t hear.

It didn’t help.

5)I work too much and have nothing to show for it.

You know where this is going.

FML. I’m worn out, feeling underappreciated and I just would appreciate one good nights sleep without silly nightmares that ruin my whole day.

I know the minute most of you look at this tag you will roll your eyes and stop reading, or leave me a comment telling me to just let it go already.  I can’t because I’m a glutton for punishment, and things like this just rub me completely the wrong way.

The ex emailed me when my dog went missing a few weeks ago. This was after he told me not to get in contact with him again until I was single. So naturally, I didn’t tell him about bacardi’s dissapearance because I didn’t think it would matter to him at all. One of the few mutual friends we have left passed on the message.

This led to our emailing back and forth. You all know the trap, I fall into it every few months and it always ends up with him telling me its to hard to keep in contact, and to leave him alone (ironic since he always messages me first).  In one of our last exchanges he said he was going to be upfront, wanted to see me because he didn’t like the way things ended.

I am all one for closure so I agreed. Now, I wasn’t about to tell Bad Boy about this because 1) while he wouldn’t admit that it would bother him, I know it would and 2)I hate knowing when he hangs out with his ex because it just gives me time to imagine horrible scenerios. Nothing was going to come of it, we were going to meet in public, that’s it.

I agreed to do this Sunday after a photoshoot. Naturally the morning of I was cancelled on because the other Model didn’t feel like taking a bus (hello diva, my name is Ashli) and this pissed the photographer off. I immediatly texted the ex telling him it wasn’t going to happen and we’d have to reschedule. He said whatever, and the ball was in my court now.

So basically he thought I was flaking on him. Maybe I was a tiny bit, but everything happens for a reason, right?

Anyway. Naturally he wrote about it on his blog (which he knows I read). I know I shouldn’t be reading it, but I can’t help it. He’s a pretty talented writer. It’s not that the writing about girls upsets me anymore, it’s when his commenters make me seem like the bad guy.

One reader said I was being cruel, keeping an emotional leash on him. I’m sorry, but I always stop talking to him and he always contacts me first.  Not to mention me cancelling on him once is nothing compared to what he put me through. Is it my fault that it took him almost 9 months to realize what an idiot he had been? No.

The guy was my best friend, I had hoped we’d be able to salvage some sort of friendship, it really doesn’t seem that way though. His friends also keep telling him he did “Everything he could.” No he didn’t. That was the entire problem with our relationship, he never did everything he could. Unless he wasd trying to hurt me anyway. So that smarts a bit.

Now other factors have come into play. One of his oldest friends (who I get along with really well) added me to facebook yesterday. I accepted because there’s no reason I shouldn’t. He added me first. So why not? The ex currently has me blocked on facebook, so it’s not like he’d know the difference anyway. Thing is, I know as soon as he unblocks to creep me, he is going to freak the fuck out when he notices.

A few other things..the girls that attached themselves to him after our breakup (and while we were still seeing each other) that he always claimed were just friends,  are now his prospects. He hasn’t outright told me this, but I can put the pieces together, I’m not a stupid girl. So that infuriates me as well.

Rowr. I know all of this should just roll off my back, but it’s really not that simple.