Make Cupcakes, Not War.
A year ago today I was dumped over the phone after being given a one way ticket to my home town.
I have ‘so I thought’ by flyleaf on repeat.
I chopped all my hair off today. It’s very short. No one recognizes me. I’m trying to decide if that’s good or bad
Ironically its also my 6 month with the bad boy.
The ex added me on facebook.
This was after he emailed me telling me he found my blog (remember that one time I was pissed off and linked him?). We haven’t reallu been emailing back and forth, or talking or anything, but occassionaly he will like one of my statuses.
This is good right? This is us being mature and keeping in touch without wanting to kill each other. I don’t even find myself face creeping him that often.
So I told him I wouldn’t do this, but I’m linking the exes blog. A series of incidents has made me realize I don’t really care if it pisses him off, or leads him back to my blog. The incidents are as follows:
I wished him a happy birthday almost a month ago. I was being nice. I’ve always wanted to try remaining friends. The fact that he can’t get over it after he broke up with me and decided that he made a mistake is not my issue. Obviously he made a mistake, I am fucking amazing. He proceeded to ream me out for saying happy birtday, then wrote on his blog that I was obviously a cunt and was trailing him along for ego strokes.
Uh hi buddy, I don’t need your ego strokes. I still care about you even though you’re probably the world’s largest douche, but whatever. Exsqueeze me for being nice. I assure you, that will not be happening again. I still have high five on my case, my awesome boyfriend (who I seriously love to death, despite his few short comings) and other dudes. I don’t need any ego strokes and honestly, being hit on makes me uncomfortable.
I also apologized for some stuff I put him through right at the end of our relationship. It was basically my current situation in reverse. Now I know how incredibly stressful it must have been. That’s another big reason why I texted him. But yes, I am an awful awful person.
I read his blog today and it turns out “Benefits Girl” (his main “girl”) is also into modelling. He mentioned how when we were together I was into the same thing because I wanted attention. Uh no. I didn’t pursue any photographers, they pursued me. I did two shoots before he and I got together and I stopped when we began dating because it made him uncomfortable. That’s just how I am. I accommodate and I do whatever I can to make my partner 100% comfortable. I even stopped talking to a majority of my male friends.
It’s been super awesome that the beau isn’t insecure like that. I’ve never been a cheater, and i never will. I get plenty of attention at home. The modelling is just a hobby, and extra money. I don’t go taking my clothes off or approaching photographers. I wait for them to contact me.
So yes. A huge attention whore. That’s me. Also, this girl of his signed up with the same agency as me (if it is who I think it is) and its hilarious and awkward when we run into each other. I don’t know if she even knows who I am. I do remember being incredibly wary of her when the ex and I broke up because they hung out a bit and he and I were still talking (read boning)
Always trust your gut ladies.
Anyway, his whole blog makes me out to be the bad guy and there’s even a few comments where people say how awful I am. It was funny at first, now it’s just offensive and hurts a tiny bit. Especially since he knows i read his blog. And dammit I can’t stop. It’s like a car crash you can’t turn away from.
It takes every ounce of my being not to comment on his blog and say, “Yes. I am a huggeee attention whore. Yet you’re the one wheeling 3 or 4 different women at the same time. Mmmhmmm.”
He is on the other hand, a very gifted writer. He has a decent following and he really knows how to spin a story and captivae the reader, I’ll give him props for that. If you feel like watching the wreckage and reading about his taking the ladies on his roster along for the ride you can find him at:
behindthephd.blogspot.com
I know the minute most of you look at this tag you will roll your eyes and stop reading, or leave me a comment telling me to just let it go already. I can’t because I’m a glutton for punishment, and things like this just rub me completely the wrong way.
The ex emailed me when my dog went missing a few weeks ago. This was after he told me not to get in contact with him again until I was single. So naturally, I didn’t tell him about bacardi’s dissapearance because I didn’t think it would matter to him at all. One of the few mutual friends we have left passed on the message.
This led to our emailing back and forth. You all know the trap, I fall into it every few months and it always ends up with him telling me its to hard to keep in contact, and to leave him alone (ironic since he always messages me first). In one of our last exchanges he said he was going to be upfront, wanted to see me because he didn’t like the way things ended.
I am all one for closure so I agreed. Now, I wasn’t about to tell Bad Boy about this because 1) while he wouldn’t admit that it would bother him, I know it would and 2)I hate knowing when he hangs out with his ex because it just gives me time to imagine horrible scenerios. Nothing was going to come of it, we were going to meet in public, that’s it.
I agreed to do this Sunday after a photoshoot. Naturally the morning of I was cancelled on because the other Model didn’t feel like taking a bus (hello diva, my name is Ashli) and this pissed the photographer off. I immediatly texted the ex telling him it wasn’t going to happen and we’d have to reschedule. He said whatever, and the ball was in my court now.
So basically he thought I was flaking on him. Maybe I was a tiny bit, but everything happens for a reason, right?
Anyway. Naturally he wrote about it on his blog (which he knows I read). I know I shouldn’t be reading it, but I can’t help it. He’s a pretty talented writer. It’s not that the writing about girls upsets me anymore, it’s when his commenters make me seem like the bad guy.
One reader said I was being cruel, keeping an emotional leash on him. I’m sorry, but I always stop talking to him and he always contacts me first. Not to mention me cancelling on him once is nothing compared to what he put me through. Is it my fault that it took him almost 9 months to realize what an idiot he had been? No.
The guy was my best friend, I had hoped we’d be able to salvage some sort of friendship, it really doesn’t seem that way though. His friends also keep telling him he did “Everything he could.” No he didn’t. That was the entire problem with our relationship, he never did everything he could. Unless he wasd trying to hurt me anyway. So that smarts a bit.
Now other factors have come into play. One of his oldest friends (who I get along with really well) added me to facebook yesterday. I accepted because there’s no reason I shouldn’t. He added me first. So why not? The ex currently has me blocked on facebook, so it’s not like he’d know the difference anyway. Thing is, I know as soon as he unblocks to creep me, he is going to freak the fuck out when he notices.
A few other things..the girls that attached themselves to him after our breakup (and while we were still seeing each other) that he always claimed were just friends, are now his prospects. He hasn’t outright told me this, but I can put the pieces together, I’m not a stupid girl. So that infuriates me as well.
Rowr. I know all of this should just roll off my back, but it’s really not that simple.
I am stressed. Actually, I don’t even know if stress is the right way to put it.
I’m lonely, the boyfriend is out of town for the weekend (possibly longer, that will be explained later) and being lonely and painfully stressed is not a good combo.
The issue has to do with financials, like it almost always does. At the beginning of the month my pay was messed up so I could barely make rent.
This is compounded by the boyfriend’s current status among the unemployed. I don’t mind that so much, he does clean and cook.
And then the summons came. I was evicted from an apartment a little over a year ago. I was silly, and make bad decisions. Money handling has never been one of my strong suits, and I’m paying the price now.
I’ve got a ton of credit card debt that I’ve slowly been paying down, and now I owe around 2000$ for this eviction. i’m still trying to figure out how I owe so much since I’ve paid half of it off already, and they shouldn’t be charging me damages, but whatever.
The point is I’m going to court of Wednesday. They want to garnish my wages. I say, you can’t get blood from a stone.
Apparently they can take about 50% of my wages. This is when I start freaking out. I can barely pay rent and such now. If they take away half my take home pay I am screwed. I make anywhere from 400-600 a week before taxes and fees are taken off. That’s without commission.
You do the math.
The boyfriend was expecting a hefty tax return this year, which was going to be handed over to me since I’ve been supporting both of us. The government took the money to put towards his student loans.
So now we’re both freaking out a little. he stranded in our home town possibly until I head there for court on Wednesday. Sigh.
Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and take back all the stupid shit I did when I was 18-22. I’d cut up the credit cards, live within my means and pay my freaking rent.
What a twit I’ve been. So now I’m stuck making a very adult decision. These are decisions I don’t like making.
I’m looking into bankruptcy. I figure I should do it while I’m young and can recover. I don’t have any assets for them to take, so that’s good.
My credit is already crippled, so that isn’t a huge deal, it’s the rebuilding of my credit that I worry about.
It just seems like my only viable option right now. It doesn’t matter how much I sell, or how much modeling work I book I can’t seem to keep up with the bills piling up on my cork board.
The worst part is now I know how the ex felt at the end of our relationship. He was supporting me while i didn’t work and couldn’t contribute because I had no income coming in.
It’s one of the few things helping me keep my head on straight. I felt so helpless back then, especially since I knew the toll it was taking that relationship.
It was not a happy time. I sort of took advantage and lived in self pity. He took his stress and frustrations out on me.
The boyfriend and I have been fully supportive and honest with each other. It’s humbling and I respect our relationship so much for it. He knows about my financial woes, court, and I know about his.
We’re working through it together which I think is the important part, where as in my last relationship I didn’t share what was really going on financially, and I fed off him like a parasite while he lashed out at me.
I like to think I’ve grown up a bit. I do want to email him and tell him i understand where he was coming from way back when, but he’s made himself very clear in that talking to me hurts too much since he regrets ending it.
So wish me luck folks. Here’s hoping the bankruptcy gods are nice to me.
I just remembered a random Blackberry Messenger Conversation the ex and I had a few weeks ago before he blocked me out of his life again. Really, what the whole conversation came down to is morale.
I’ve stated it before Bad Boy/The Boyfriend and I were on shaky ground at first and I was treading lightly because his ex happened to be a very good friend of mine several years ago. The kind of friend you’re incredibly close to, but they move or you do, and schedules just never mesh so you fall out of touch.
We’ve made plans so many times to do coffee when we’re in the same town and one of us always forgets or is too busy. So it came to a point..how close of friends were we?
Close enough for me to feel guilty, but not close enough for me not to date her ex. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. But my case points:
So the beau and I agreed to move forward, and if it became a problem, whatevs our own happiness is most important. So what if that’s selfish? I still don’t know if she knows, but I can only assume since he was living with her best friend when we started dating and he moved in with me.
What does this have to do with the ex you ask? Back when we were on “friendly” terms he asked me for some advice. Both because I honestly didn’t know what to do, and because he wanted to take a jab and see how I’d react (or so I assume)
Basically someone we’re both acquaintances with is in a long distance relationship. The other person in this relationship lives in our current city and after flirting with my ex, basically offered herself to him. He asked me what he should do.
Right off the bat I was appalled. Not only would you bang someone’s significant other, knowing they’re in a relationship, but you’d still do it if you knew the person in question?!?! I told him such, and asked him never to ask me for advice like that again, because holy shit that made me uncomfortable.
On the other hand I was like…“Wait a minute..” because really, is what I’m doing any better? My ex told me I wasn’t, and that dating a friend’s ex was awful. At least I can admit when I realize I’m being a hypocrite.
It’s been a rough few days. Nothing bad has happened per say, but I have been lost inside my own head.
I keep dreaming about the ex. It’s been a total mind fuck. As a result I’ve been analyzing everything. EVERYTHING. This is what the ex does to me. There was always a sense of impending doom, like at some point it would just end.
And it did. Yesterday I was thinking, had I made a mistake? Curiosity got the best of me so I went to peek at his blog. This is never a good idea. Among entries there was one saying he was going to burn a letter I wrote just before we broke up.
In the letter I spelled everything out. How much I cared, how much I wanted him. And he burned it, even after I emailed him asking him to please not do it.
It feels like I’ve been slapped in the face. Part of me wants to destroy every gift, pawn the ring,and burn every picture. But that wouldn’t solve anything and I’d regret it later.
It’s funny, someone tells you they love you and want to give things another go, and a few short weeks later they’re burning the letter that told them exactly how you felt.
Maybe it’s true, people never change. He always knew just where to hit me to make my heart ache.
Here’s the thing about my ex. He claims not to, but he loves drama. Be it via sending me 10 emails at 4am, proclaiming love, calling me a whore, or getting angry with me because he is hopelessly unreasonable.
Honestly it was a lot easier when he was pretending I didn’t exist and I could do the same, Before he got back in contact and caused all sorts of fucked up feelings and confusion.
The latest drama? Moving drama. I finally had a chance to get my couch. Everything was peachy, there was even talk of grabbing a coffee to talk. I was perfectly okay with this, understandably bad boy wasn’t.
He didn’t out right come out and say it, but I could tell. So I did what any respectful girlfriend would do and told the boyfriend he could come with and cancelled the coffee with the ex.
Given how controlling the ex was, you’d think he’d understand, right? Wrong! Instead I got told what a pain in the ass this was sunce he refused to let bad boy in his apartment to help AND he refused to be there for the pick up.
Fine whatever. He told me to not speak to him until I’m singe. A bit over the top, but okay.
I got to his house to do the pick up and he had left.two girls there. One I had been fairly close to, another that he knows I loathe and who I suspect he’s been sleeping with.
Hello awkward. So us three girls had to load my couch onto the truck while bad boy watched because he wasn’t allowed to help.
It was just as fun as it sounds.
So I’m tired of this anonymous shiz. All the friends and lovers will remain anonymous (aside from the odd photo here and there, but names will be kept away from the blog)
I’m vain and a bit of an attention whore. I don’t like being able to post pictures or ask for opinions on certain things, so scratch that.
So here’s the scoop. My name is Ashli. Some of you use to follow me over at Psychotically Pink dot net. I went through a bad breakup and felt the need to reestablish my e-existence away from the domain I met my ex on.
So here I am. Happy and healthy and no longer in hiding. I’m clumsy, had headed, opinionated and sometimes even obnoxious.
I’m sure you’ve all figured that out by now though.
So a few days ago I got an email from the ex. Apologizing for everything. We texted back and forth. I know, it probably wasn’t a good idea and I should have just continued with my cease and desist.
But no. After my phone kept telling me I had mail, and I saw who it was I kissed Bad Boy on the cheek and told him I had to check something.
When I got back into bed there were tears in my eyes and memories came flooding back. Bad Boy asked what was wrong, and I just explained there was a little blip from the ex, but not to worry about it.
Bad Bo looked at me, wiped away my tears kissed my forehead and promised to never make me cry.
The ex and I talked yesterday while I was at work. This generally led to me being a basket case. Old feelings came back, he told me those 3 words I’d been waiting to hear since he sent me packing back at the end of July.
I said no. I told him I do still have feelings for him (I’m not one to lie to myself, or anyone else) but I had just started seeing someone and I should probably see how that pans out.
Bad Boy truly makes me happy, even when he’s being a complete corn ball, so I don’t regret the decision, but a huge part of me still wonders.
Did he really change? If we’re ever single at the same time in the future is it worth trying again? To make matters worse he emailed me his new blog today.
Yesterday he made it sound like he was going to just blip back out of my life. Now I’m reading his blog. There’s a huge part of me that knows I shouldn’t have clicked the link. But I did.
And while I’m not too tortured and hurt by what I read, but I still felt that familiar pang in my stomach when I read it.
I emailed him back. Though I shouldn’t have. I think I’m just going to delete the link. Why torture myself? Especially since the second post is referring to when he found my “secret stash” and called me a whore.
I hate when someone tells you exactly what you’ve been waiting to hear but it’s too late.