maniccupcake.net

Dear interwebs: the last few days have been fucking insane.

On Thursday bad boy was fired from his job for no reason. He didn’t do anything wrong, to us it looks like he was hired on to cover the manager’s vacation and then was let go. He worked less than 90 days, so he can be fired for no reason. It’s the only thing we can think of since the week before he was left in charge and worked 55 hours.

Naturally this pissed Bad Boy off. I’m not sure if I written before about how he is very opinionated, stubborn and hates anything corporate, political, etc.  I’ve been working crazy hours so he was left to his own devices (weed and alcohol).

Thursday itself wasn’t so bad, there was just some sulking and bitching about what a douche his ex boss was.

And then Friday rolled around. Normally someone would take that time and calm down: but not Bad Boy, oh no. At 2pm he walked me to my bus so I could take off to work and went to pick up his final pay check.

Next thing I know I’m getting phone calls from his ex employer, so I call him. He’s drunk, and pissed off (but sweet as hell to me, as per usual). I tried to calm him down and although he was drunk he at least seemed like he was functional and wasn’t going to do anything too stupid.

Well folks, apparently my amazing boyfriend is very good at hiding how inebriated he really is. I didn’t hear from him again at all last night. I was at work, sending him the odd text and not getting any response so I started calling.

My calls went straight to voicemail. My head was spinning and I was quickly entering panic mode. The first thing I did was call the police and have a friend swing by our apartment to make sure he wasn’t just passed out on the couch.

Obviously he wasn’t home, the police also claimed he wasn’t there. My next step was calling all the emergency hospitals in my area. I quickly found out he had been admitted at 5pm, but left a 6pm supposedly without being seen.

I couldn’t help it, I kept imaging him laying dead in an alleyway somewhere. I started crying at work and had a friend pick me up early so I could go searching for my boyfriend (at this point I was furious but also convinced he was probably dead).

We looked everywhere and the police basically told me to stop bugging them with my feverish phone calls. I gave up and went home, hoping to be able to sleep.

At 12am my phone rang. Guess who it was? It was Bad Boy, back from the dead. Where do you think he was folks? If you guessed the one place that claimed he wasn’t there, you’re right!

Bad Boy was in jail. I was furious. He didn’t get home until 3am and when he walked in the door I wanted to punch him in his nose..until i realized someone had already beaten me to the punch (har har)

He couldn’t tell me why he ended up in jail, why he was in emerge and left, or what happened at all. He blacked out. Rest assured that this shit will not be happening again folks. I made it very clear that he needed to find a positive way to take care of his frustrations and if he ever scared me like that again I would kick him out. This is the first time I’ve ever had to deal with anything like this.

Needless to say someone has a ton of grovelling to do.

Todays topic: the comfort of routine.

Bad Boy and I have a new nightly routine. It’s developed over the last 4 months of living together. Every night when I or him get home from work we sit down on our broken couch (that story will be for tmi wednesday, tomorrow) play some video games, then curl up and wait to fall asleep while watching cartoons.

As it stands right now we’ve been sleeping on the (broken) couch. Th airconditioner is in the living room, and up until a few days ago we were dealing with some rather unpleasant dog revenge tactics involving my less than a year old mattress.

Some nights I curl up around his back and watch him play Resident Evil, other nights I pick up a wii mote and play backgammon with him on our modded wii.

All times this is amazing. I love that there’s no pressure to go out and wine and dine, or date or go to the bar. I’m perfectly fine with smoking a bowl and watching futurama and south park while cuddling and having random fits of giggles.

The honeymoon is over. We’re past the point of making impressions. He pees with the door open and farts in his sleep, I wash my make up off at night and dot my face with zit medication.  Sometimes he forgets to flush the toilet.

On the other hand towels are left lying in piles of dog hair on the floor, sometimes I get a brief grunt when I walk in the door (because he’s playing video games) when what I really want is for him to stop what he’s doing and act like seeing me is the ighlight of his day.

But none of that actually matters, because I know even if I’m over analyzing and acting overtly chick like, I am the highlight of his day. I can cry for no reason, and act like a girly asshole and he never asks if I forgot to take my medication, claims I’m asking for too much attention, or am acting high maintenance.  In fact, when I apoligize for acting this way, he always tells me not to apologize because he loves me.

Even if i am a raging psycho sometimes.

A year ago today I was dumped over the phone after being given a one way ticket to my home town.

I have ‘so I thought’ by flyleaf on repeat.

I chopped all my hair off today. It’s very short. No one recognizes me. I’m trying to decide if that’s good or bad

Ironically its also my 6 month with the bad boy.

The ex added me on facebook.

This was after he emailed me telling me he found my blog (remember that one time I was pissed off and linked him?). We haven’t reallu been emailing back and forth, or talking or anything, but occassionaly he will like one of my statuses.

This is good right? This is us being mature and keeping in touch without wanting to kill each other. I don’t even find myself face creeping him that often.

It was 11pm, and I was just walking in the door after a long hard day of work.  I worked an 8 hour shift. One of the other girl’s called in sick, and I couldn’t take a lunch. I had spoken on the phone with Virgin’s customer service to solve recurring billing issues for a customer who will only deal with me.

The customer left angry, it was two days before I was leaving for vacation and I’d been working 10 days straight. I was nearing the end of a pay period, and bad boy and I were living off Mr.Noodles and plain spaghetti noodles.

My mind was not in a good place. By the time I forced myself to walk up the stairs to our apartment, I had tears running down my face and I felt bitter and cold. It was not one of my proudest moments.

Then he gathered me in his arms, wiped the tears from my eyes and told me to sit down because he had dinner ready. I smiled despite myself, swallowing one of my self pitying sobs and slumped down on the couch.

He went and made me a pot roast. I don’t know how, but he did. Earlier that day before I left for work he asked casually in conversation what my favorite food is (you guessed it, roast beef). I had assumed it was just that-a conversation.

All I can say folks, is that it was the must amazing feeling to come home to that. I don’t think anyone has ever done something so considerate and thoughtful for me. I needed the reminder of how damn lucky I am to find someone who genuinely cares about me, makes me top priority, and would do anything to make me happy.

That’s real love, folks.

So I told him I wouldn’t do this, but I’m linking the exes blog. A series of incidents has made me realize I don’t really care if it pisses him off, or leads him back to my blog. The incidents are as follows:

I wished him a happy birthday almost a month ago. I was being nice. I’ve always wanted to try remaining friends. The fact that he can’t get over it after he broke up with me and decided that he made a mistake is not my issue. Obviously he made a mistake, I am fucking amazing. He proceeded to ream me out for saying happy birtday, then wrote on his blog that I was obviously a cunt and was trailing him along for ego strokes.

Uh hi buddy, I don’t need your ego strokes. I still care about you even though you’re probably the world’s largest douche, but whatever. Exsqueeze me for being nice. I assure you, that will not be happening again. I still have high five on my case, my awesome boyfriend (who I seriously love to death, despite his few short comings) and other dudes. I don’t need any ego strokes and honestly, being hit on makes me uncomfortable.

I also apologized for some stuff I put him through right at the end of our relationship. It was basically my current situation in reverse. Now I know how incredibly stressful it must have been. That’s another big reason why I texted him. But yes, I am an awful awful person.

I read his blog today and it turns out “Benefits Girl” (his main “girl”) is also into modelling. He mentioned how when we were together I was into the same thing because I wanted attention. Uh no. I didn’t pursue any photographers, they pursued me. I did two shoots before he and I got together and I stopped when we began dating because it made him uncomfortable. That’s just how I am. I accommodate and I do whatever I can to make my partner 100% comfortable. I even stopped talking to a majority of my male friends.

It’s been super awesome that the beau isn’t insecure like that. I’ve never been a cheater, and i never will. I get plenty of attention at home. The modelling is just a hobby, and extra money. I don’t go taking my clothes off or approaching photographers. I wait for them to contact me.

So yes. A huge attention whore. That’s me. Also, this girl of his signed up with the same agency as me (if it is who I think it is) and its hilarious and awkward when we run into each other. I don’t know if she even knows who I am. I do remember being incredibly wary of her when the ex and I broke up because they hung out a bit and he and I were still talking (read boning)

Always trust your gut ladies.

Anyway, his whole blog makes me out to be the bad guy and there’s even a few comments where people say how awful I am. It was funny at first, now it’s just offensive and hurts a tiny bit. Especially since he knows i read his blog. And dammit I can’t stop. It’s like a car crash you can’t turn away from.

It takes every ounce of my being not to comment on his blog and say, “Yes. I am a huggeee attention whore. Yet you’re the one wheeling 3 or 4 different women at the same time. Mmmhmmm.”

He is on the other hand, a very gifted writer. He has a decent following and he really knows how to spin a story and captivae the reader, I’ll give him props for that. If you feel like watching the wreckage and reading about his taking the ladies on his roster along for the ride you can find him at:

behindthephd.blogspot.com

I’m entering day 8 of my 11 day working stretch. I am not liking it. There are a million things stressing me out right now, and work is not helping one bit. So..here I will have one huge rantfest, and I will number everything so you can sympathsize and make me feel better in the comments. Okay?

1)Work.

I love my job about 80% of the time. The rest of the time i’m frustrated because things are going wron. We just got new systems and there’s a ton of bugs. I haven’t gotten my commission pay in close to two months, and when I do get it, it’s always very very wrong. I hate standing for 8 hours a day, and it just sucks in general. I’m usually horrible grumpy by the time I get home and my feet reak.

2)Money

I have none. I’m in the middle of filing for bankruptcy, my pay is never right and I’m just tired and making ends meet is getting really difficult. I actually pawned stuff yesterday so I could buy dog food. The real kicker was when I dropped the dog food, ripping the bag open and spilling the contents all over the side walk as I walked to the bus stop.

I’m not going to lie, I cried a bit.

3)Withdrawal

Because I’m working the work week(s) from hell, I havent’ been able to go to the doctor to get a refill on my medications. Have I mentioned i’m bipolar? I tried to taper everything off hoping the after math wouldn’t be too bad, but it hasnt’ helped.

I have hot and cold flashes, I’m miserable and crampy, my moods swing back and forth and I’m effing exhausted all the time. The lack of meds causes me to have horribly vivid nightmares. I usually wake up a slick, sweaty mess in the middle of the night breathing heavily and on the brink of an emotional melt down.

Doesn’t that sound like fun?

4)Have I mentioned I’m miserable?

I’m lashing out at everything and everyone. The boyfriend has been pretty supportive, but I think last night he had abotu enough and I was left in the bedroom stiffling sobs. I did what I do best by locking myself in the bathroom, sobbing loudly and turning the tap on so he wouldn’t hear.

It didn’t help.

5)I work too much and have nothing to show for it.

You know where this is going.

FML. I’m worn out, feeling underappreciated and I just would appreciate one good nights sleep without silly nightmares that ruin my whole day.

I know the minute most of you look at this tag you will roll your eyes and stop reading, or leave me a comment telling me to just let it go already.  I can’t because I’m a glutton for punishment, and things like this just rub me completely the wrong way.

The ex emailed me when my dog went missing a few weeks ago. This was after he told me not to get in contact with him again until I was single. So naturally, I didn’t tell him about bacardi’s dissapearance because I didn’t think it would matter to him at all. One of the few mutual friends we have left passed on the message.

This led to our emailing back and forth. You all know the trap, I fall into it every few months and it always ends up with him telling me its to hard to keep in contact, and to leave him alone (ironic since he always messages me first).  In one of our last exchanges he said he was going to be upfront, wanted to see me because he didn’t like the way things ended.

I am all one for closure so I agreed. Now, I wasn’t about to tell Bad Boy about this because 1) while he wouldn’t admit that it would bother him, I know it would and 2)I hate knowing when he hangs out with his ex because it just gives me time to imagine horrible scenerios. Nothing was going to come of it, we were going to meet in public, that’s it.

I agreed to do this Sunday after a photoshoot. Naturally the morning of I was cancelled on because the other Model didn’t feel like taking a bus (hello diva, my name is Ashli) and this pissed the photographer off. I immediatly texted the ex telling him it wasn’t going to happen and we’d have to reschedule. He said whatever, and the ball was in my court now.

So basically he thought I was flaking on him. Maybe I was a tiny bit, but everything happens for a reason, right?

Anyway. Naturally he wrote about it on his blog (which he knows I read). I know I shouldn’t be reading it, but I can’t help it. He’s a pretty talented writer. It’s not that the writing about girls upsets me anymore, it’s when his commenters make me seem like the bad guy.

One reader said I was being cruel, keeping an emotional leash on him. I’m sorry, but I always stop talking to him and he always contacts me first.  Not to mention me cancelling on him once is nothing compared to what he put me through. Is it my fault that it took him almost 9 months to realize what an idiot he had been? No.

The guy was my best friend, I had hoped we’d be able to salvage some sort of friendship, it really doesn’t seem that way though. His friends also keep telling him he did “Everything he could.” No he didn’t. That was the entire problem with our relationship, he never did everything he could. Unless he wasd trying to hurt me anyway. So that smarts a bit.

Now other factors have come into play. One of his oldest friends (who I get along with really well) added me to facebook yesterday. I accepted because there’s no reason I shouldn’t. He added me first. So why not? The ex currently has me blocked on facebook, so it’s not like he’d know the difference anyway. Thing is, I know as soon as he unblocks to creep me, he is going to freak the fuck out when he notices.

A few other things..the girls that attached themselves to him after our breakup (and while we were still seeing each other) that he always claimed were just friends,  are now his prospects. He hasn’t outright told me this, but I can put the pieces together, I’m not a stupid girl. So that infuriates me as well.

Rowr. I know all of this should just roll off my back, but it’s really not that simple.

I am stressed. Actually, I don’t even know if stress is the right way to put it.

I’m lonely, the boyfriend is out of town for the weekend (possibly longer, that will be explained later) and being lonely and painfully stressed is not a good combo.

The issue has to do with financials, like it almost always does. At the beginning of the month my pay was messed up so I could barely make rent.

This is compounded by the boyfriend’s current status among the unemployed. I don’t mind that so much, he does clean and cook.

And then the summons came. I was evicted from an apartment a little over a year ago. I was silly, and make bad decisions. Money handling has never been one of my strong suits, and I’m paying the price now.

I’ve got a ton of credit card debt that I’ve slowly been paying down, and now I owe around 2000$ for this eviction. i’m still trying to figure out how I owe so much since I’ve paid half of it off already, and they shouldn’t be charging me damages, but whatever.

The point is I’m going to court of Wednesday. They want to garnish my wages. I say, you can’t get blood from a stone.

Apparently they can take about 50% of my wages. This is when I start freaking out. I can barely pay rent and such now. If they take away half my take home pay I am screwed. I make anywhere from 400-600 a week before taxes and fees are taken off. That’s without commission.

You do the math.

The boyfriend was expecting a hefty tax return this year, which was going to be handed over to me since I’ve been supporting both of us. The government took the money to put towards his student loans.

So now we’re both freaking out a little. he stranded in our home town possibly until I head there for court on Wednesday. Sigh.

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and take back all the stupid shit I did when I was 18-22. I’d cut up the credit cards, live within my means and pay my freaking rent.

What a twit I’ve been. So now I’m stuck making a very adult decision. These are decisions I don’t like making.

I’m looking into bankruptcy. I figure I should do it while I’m young and can recover. I don’t have any assets for them to take, so that’s good.

My credit is already crippled, so that isn’t a huge deal, it’s the rebuilding of my credit that I worry about.

It just seems like my only viable option right now. It doesn’t matter how much I sell, or how much modeling work I book I can’t seem to keep up with the bills piling up on my cork board.

The worst part is now I know how the ex felt at the end of our relationship. He was supporting me while i didn’t work and couldn’t contribute because I had no income coming in.

It’s one of the few things helping me keep my head on straight. I felt so helpless back then, especially since I knew the toll it was taking that relationship.

It was not a happy time. I sort of took advantage and lived in self pity. He took his stress and frustrations out on me.

The boyfriend and I have been fully supportive and honest with each other. It’s humbling and I respect our relationship so much for it. He knows about my financial woes, court, and I know about his.

We’re working through it together which I think is the important part, where as in my last relationship I didn’t share what was really going on financially, and I fed off him like a parasite while he lashed out at me.

I like to think I’ve grown up a bit. I do want to email him and tell him i understand where he was coming from way back when, but he’s made himself very clear in that talking to me hurts too much since he regrets ending it.

So wish me luck folks. Here’s hoping the bankruptcy gods are nice to me.

I figure part of growing up involves heartbreak.

There’s the times someone you thought was your better half sends you away with a one way train ticket. You recover, albeit slowly and never completely. You find someone who slowly makes you feel whole again and treats you like a queen.

There are times when your heart breaks because a family member breaks your heart and loses your respect. You get over it because you’re family. Things are awkward but you deal with it because that’s what family does.

And then my faithful readers, there are times when a friend leaves you gasping for breath and holding back tears.

This is one of those times.

Friends are suppose to be your soul mates. They’re suppose to be on your side no matter what.

They drive you to the hospital when you’ve slit your wrist. They rush over at 3am when you call in hysterics because you don’t understand your life anymore.

They tell you when they’ve done wrong, and they ask you for help knowing you won’t judge. You both go through several significant others, and you always help one another through to the unavoidable end.

So when Samantha told us she was moving 10 hours away with her girlfriend we’d never met we all supported her. She needed a fresh start, I of all people understood that.

When her parents shunned her and said they’d disown her I was outraged, like any good friend should be.

As she counted down the days to her departure I counted down sharing her excitement. It was important to her, and I was excited to meet the woman who was important enough for her to uproot her life.

Those last few weeks passed with finality. I grinned and bared it. I offered to take her hedgehog because it wouldn’t survive the long trip. I smiled when we made plans to party one last time.

We never did. Samantha left without so much as a goodbye. The hedgehog hisses at me with hatred, and I feel broken.

It never occurred to me that one of my best friends for the last 4 years would up and leave not only with such finality but without caring about how it would hurt those she left behind.

Rip samantha. Figuratively speaking of course.