maniccupcake.net

So I told him I wouldn’t do this, but I’m linking the exes blog. A series of incidents has made me realize I don’t really care if it pisses him off, or leads him back to my blog. The incidents are as follows:

I wished him a happy birthday almost a month ago. I was being nice. I’ve always wanted to try remaining friends. The fact that he can’t get over it after he broke up with me and decided that he made a mistake is not my issue. Obviously he made a mistake, I am fucking amazing. He proceeded to ream me out for saying happy birtday, then wrote on his blog that I was obviously a cunt and was trailing him along for ego strokes.

Uh hi buddy, I don’t need your ego strokes. I still care about you even though you’re probably the world’s largest douche, but whatever. Exsqueeze me for being nice. I assure you, that will not be happening again. I still have high five on my case, my awesome boyfriend (who I seriously love to death, despite his few short comings) and other dudes. I don’t need any ego strokes and honestly, being hit on makes me uncomfortable.

I also apologized for some stuff I put him through right at the end of our relationship. It was basically my current situation in reverse. Now I know how incredibly stressful it must have been. That’s another big reason why I texted him. But yes, I am an awful awful person.

I read his blog today and it turns out “Benefits Girl” (his main “girl”) is also into modelling. He mentioned how when we were together I was into the same thing because I wanted attention. Uh no. I didn’t pursue any photographers, they pursued me. I did two shoots before he and I got together and I stopped when we began dating because it made him uncomfortable. That’s just how I am. I accommodate and I do whatever I can to make my partner 100% comfortable. I even stopped talking to a majority of my male friends.

It’s been super awesome that the beau isn’t insecure like that. I’ve never been a cheater, and i never will. I get plenty of attention at home. The modelling is just a hobby, and extra money. I don’t go taking my clothes off or approaching photographers. I wait for them to contact me.

So yes. A huge attention whore. That’s me. Also, this girl of his signed up with the same agency as me (if it is who I think it is) and its hilarious and awkward when we run into each other. I don’t know if she even knows who I am. I do remember being incredibly wary of her when the ex and I broke up because they hung out a bit and he and I were still talking (read boning)

Always trust your gut ladies.

Anyway, his whole blog makes me out to be the bad guy and there’s even a few comments where people say how awful I am. It was funny at first, now it’s just offensive and hurts a tiny bit. Especially since he knows i read his blog. And dammit I can’t stop. It’s like a car crash you can’t turn away from.

It takes every ounce of my being not to comment on his blog and say, “Yes. I am a huggeee attention whore. Yet you’re the one wheeling 3 or 4 different women at the same time. Mmmhmmm.”

He is on the other hand, a very gifted writer. He has a decent following and he really knows how to spin a story and captivae the reader, I’ll give him props for that. If you feel like watching the wreckage and reading about his taking the ladies on his roster along for the ride you can find him at:

behindthephd.blogspot.com

Court wasn’t do bad. I was honestly expecting to get my head ripped off and feel like a steaming pile of shit. But no, the lawyer was very nice and as soon as I stated I was filing for bankruptcy he told the judge to adjourn the whole thing.

Load off my back.

This month is proving to shape up as a busy one. I have three photo shoots..on is this Sunday, down by the river and in a big fountain that is also by the riverfront. I’m thinking of using balloons or something. What can I say? I’m a child at heart.

I have another shoot on the 26th and i need a theme. I’m thinking of doing the 7 deadly sins (not like they did it ANTM, that would be lame). I’ll have to talk bad boy into posing with me for the lust shot. I know he wouldn’t want another dude there. Any theme ideas you folks would like to see? I’m not very good at coming up with this shit.

I also have a car wash I told High Five I’d help out with for his band. They need to raise money for their new album. I’m a sucker, I know. Between work and hobbies this will be busy!

I might even have some  paid modelling work coming up. Cross your fingers!

So this is my first weekend alone. It’s Easter and the boyfriend is in our hometown to jam with his band. I’m in the same town so we’ll see each other tonight at a punk show, but tomorrow I’m heading back to Windsor solo.

I’m kind of looking forward to having the new place to myself. I can do girlie things like a facial, bubble bath and paint my nails. I can walk around naked (well I can do that when he’s around, but it always ends in hide the penis), fart and pee with the door open. Though on second thought he sometimes pees with the door open. I should start doing the same.

Anyway, I am looking forward to all of those things, but I am not looking forward to the empty bed and lack of company. Yeah I’ll have the dogs keeping me company (and my hands full) but it’s just not the same. Especially since he forgot his phone charger so his phone is likely going to die.

I’m trying to organize some sort of girl’s night for Saturday night. I haven’t gone out with the ladies in a helluva long time (new relationship, and what not so he’s been coming along) and it’ll be nice to let loose. Hell, I’m even looking forward to brutally turning down men after they buy me a drink.

Sunday night High Five and I are going to grab some drinks and hit the strip club since he missed my birthday (did I ever write about that?!?!) and apparently I owe him boobies. Strippers it will be, because he won’t be seeing mine anymore.

I’m also thinking about doing a Vlog. If you have questions post them and I’ll do my best to answer! I might even put some sort of app for asking questions on the side bar. I know you’re all dying to put a face to the (fake) name.

Last night was Wednesday. As such it was half price Wing night at the bar around the corner.

Yes..this is the bar that High Five plays at. My friends and I headed out around 10pm, and I asked Hannibal to join us. High Five had been texting me almost daily for the last two weeks; offering to bring me soup and tea when I was sick, asking me out to lunch, texting at 12am to see what I was doing.

I can only dodge and play nice for so long. I don’t have feelings for High Five anymore, he’s ruined it with his games and flip flopping feelings. I’ve told him point blank I was seeing someone, and I was beginning to think that maybe High Five had convinced himself that Hannibal didn’t really exist.

High Five ignored me for most of the night, he sent me a random text saying “Hey Blondie” which I ignored. If you don’t have the guts to come say hi in person, please don’t bother. We were all having a good time eating out wings, telling stories and Hannibal was getting to know my friends.

My friends even adore him, that never happens in Carrie-land. Finally around midnight High Five decided to plunk himself down beside Hannibal and make things awkward by saying hi. It went fairly smooth all things considered. Hannibal kept his cool while subtly putting his arm around me as I wiggled closer. I had about 5 Purple Hazes at this point (3 of which were doubled for free..thank you boobies..I mean bartender.)

Oh sweet revenge. High five just narrowed his eyes and excused himself.  We were all feeling pretty good (ie horribly drunk) at this point so we decided to head to Hannibal’s to play Singstar and drink more. Great idea right? Who doesn’t love singing horribly off key while doing tequila shots until 3:30am? I’m sure the neighbors all love us now.

The night wrapped up and I asked Hannibal if he wanted to sleep at my place. Churf was staying over because she couldn’t drive in her current state, and buses stop running around 1am. He coyly asked if I wanted to stay at his place instead.

Obviously I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to send Churf to my place alone so I could have some late night nookie.  I even mumbled something about “bros before hoes”. I said it without thinking and everyone started laughing while Hannibal asked if I was calling him a hoe while feigning offense. Again I suggestion he come to my place.

Want to know why he’s been avoiding sleeping over, or hanging out at my place for so long? My dog. I laughed and asked if he was afraid of my 110 pound teddy bear. He replied that he was no such thing, however he didn’t want to do the horizontal tango with my dog watching.

…Does he not realize my bedroom has a door? I managed to convince him to come over and we had our second sleepover.  We both sleep like rocks with each other. All night my bedroom door kept blowing open and closing, Churf told me how annoying it was this morning..we didn’t hear it. I also clearly remembering rolling over to cuddle up behind Hannibal and my cheek landed in a huge damp drool spot on my favorite pillow.

Sexy.

Either way we had a great night. Several times my friends accidentally called Hannibal my boyfriend (neither of us corrected them), and than kgod my internet wasn’t working late last night because he sat at my computer when we got home and my homepage (which is this blog) was sitting open on the screen. Luckily it had tried to refresh after my internet stopped working.

Phew. It would have been interesting trying to explain that.

So High Five and I have been back on speaking terms for a while, although tonight he seemed to be acting rather odd. I commented on our mutual friend’s wall, the bartender, because I ran into him tonight when I was out with Hannibal.  My wall post said literally”Hey, you clean up nice! Clearly my footing the back of your knee didn’t work, that broke my heart a little bit.”

High Five then commented on my post saying, “Oh hell, here we go now.” I think any person with half a brain understands what he’s implying by saying that. I messaged him and our convo went like this

Carrie

here we go now what?

High Five

nuffin, I’m going to bed. gnight

Carrie

wtf?

Carrie

ooookay. I’ll just delete my wall post then since I have no idea what I did.

High Five

haha you do that then. sleep well.

Carrie

Could you at least tell me what I did?

High Five

nothing, s’all good. the natural order is what it is

Carrie

Care to explain that?

Because I have no idea what I did, or why you’re being so damn cryptic.

High Five

nope, I care to go to bed and sleep with Fender lol

later

Carrie

uh okay.. Seriously though I’m wondering what I did

Carrie

ya dude. Sleep well. I don’t know what’s going on, but I just ran into Bartender Dude downtown tonight. Assume what you want.

“The natural order“? What the fuck does that mean? What it should mean is uh hi, I ran into the dude, gave him a hug and went on my way. He looked nice, I mentioned it on my wall. High Five makes that assuming comment not even 2 minutes after I posted on the dude’s wall. Holy passive aggressive.

This from the dude who called me a booty call and said he wasn’t going to sugar coat it. I hate the fact that the stupid comment hurt my feelings as much as it did.

I’m so over it.

The ex..apparently is on his period. Freaking out when I don’t hang out with him. Freaking out when I ask if he could maybe look after Bacardi for 2 freaking days while I’m out of town for the holidays.

High Five…has a vagina. He threw a pajama party Thursday night and I went because my friends did. I was Sober, he was not. He kept trying to put his hand down my pants and grope me..in front of everyone. He was also ranting drunkenly about stuff that was going on. Usually he’s a happy drunk. Not that night. He also kissed me. Which was weird. And I told him so.

Hannibal does not have a Vagina. He’s still out of town and I am dying of boredom and my Vagina is getting dusty. I hope he likes blondes because I got bored and went from black to blonde.

On a lighter note we finally got some snow, this makes me happy.

High Five has kept trying to contact me since our little…argument. I finally had enough last night, and I decided to put him in his place. I am not a woman you want to mess with.

High Five: Hi.

Carrie: Oh..you. Hi.

High Five: How are you.

Carrie: Happy you’re around actually, I need some advice.

High Five: Ask away.

Carrie: If a girl leaves right after you sleep with her the first time, how do you feel?

High Five: The depends on what kind of relationship it is.

Carrie: It’s not a booty call.

High Five: It depends on what kind of relationship the dude wants.

Carrie: Both parties have established there will be no booty calling.

High Five: Are you sure you should be asking me about this?

Carrie: Sure. You made it clear you have no feelings for me, and we’re just friends so this shouldn’t be making you uncomfortable. I get it. It’s fine.

High Five: I guess.

Carrie: You guess? Either it’s fine or it isn’t.

High Five: You know me, I’m fine no matter what shit happens.

Carrie: Well that was pretty vague.

High Five:  Whatever, good luck with the new boy.

Yes I am evil. Yes I could feel him squirming on his side of the screen. Serves the idiot right.

In other news things with Hannibal are going well. I was over there tonight and again we had some amazing sex. The thing I like about this is I go over there and we hang out, it’s not me going over there and being banged silly right away.

Actually when I got there we were watching True Blood and for the life of me I could not get him to pay attention to me instead of the show. It was driving me insane! It got to the point where I was like *cough* it’s warm in here. Let me take my shirt off. Would you like a back rub?*cough*

He opted for the back rub and the shirt removal, but still wouldn’t do more than tease me. Finally between episodes I was like, “Dude,  you’re killing me here. Do I need to get naked and throw myself at you?”  His reply was simple: You got me addicted to this show. It’s like a drug and I don’t want to miss anything. Who am I to argue with that? True Blood is quality television, and he’s obviously enjoying the company, not just the sex. Good response Hannibal..good response.

There’s also never any awkward silence. Ever. Right after sex we curled up and started talking. Actually that’s a lie, right after sex we rolled over and he high-fived himself (He’s been told the high-fiving after sex story when we talked about pet peeves). I just giggled, he smacked my ass and said, “Well at least it wasn’t you, right?” We talked for an hour about everything from when we were kids (and Girl Guide and Boy Scout stories), to our love of camping, hiking and canoeing. We even talked about highschool and he put on his football Jersey.

I also let it slip that I use to play travel softball, so he’s making me try out for his softball team in the summer..he also asked when my birthday was so that he could remember to give me my 26 spankings. We talked about family and everything in between without giving away the sordid details (you know, the shit her family is crazy stuff).

Around 3am I left because he has to go grocery shopping early..so he’s getting up at 9am. With my Insomnia that just won’t be happening, so I opted to come home. I teased him that he needs to plan a sleep in day so we can have a sleep over. He’s leaving to go up north for Christmas in a day or two though, so it’ll have to wait until he gets back. Seriously though, is this guy for real?

I slept with Hannibal. About an hour ago.

And then I left. The room was hot, we were both sweaty and I panicked. I’m a retard. He got up to have a cigarette and when he came back I said, “Should I stay?” and he just kind of looked at me.Guys don’t get that when you say that you want them to be like, “Of course you should stay.” Instead they say “Well yeah you can stay. The bed is big enough.”

Of course I should have stayed. But no, I got flustered and left. Thus making myself look like a crazy person (which I am, but still) and of course now that I’m sitting at home I’m kicking myself and wishing I could redo it. Fuck fuck fuck. I couldn’t find my panties. And he has my usb key and True Blood. He said he’d get them to me tomorrow.

Which sounds an awful like “You’re crazy, good to know now.”

See how badly High Five fucked me up? Now I sabotage myself by assuming the guy is just going to want to be rid of me.  God I’m a mess, aren’t I? I just totally fucked that up.

Awesome. So long Hannibal. If any of you wonderful readers can think of excuses for me to give him about my retardedness please share, because fuck..this is bad. I seriously want to crawl into a hole. Seriously. Fuck.

Now  I can’t even sleep.

Update: We talked today and everything is fine. I’m actually going over there tonight after Churf and I go explore an abandoned hospital downtown. Breaking and entering is soooo cool guys.

Last night my friend’s and I went to our usual Wednesday haunt, a bar around the corner where High Five plays every Wednesday. They have cheap wings too, and they’re delicious.

The night went fairly decently, we all talked, laughed and did our usual. High Five was a little out of sorts though. During his first break he walked up to our table as if he was going to say hi, then suddenly off and talked to some couple, after that he again walked up to us like he was going to sit down and veered off again, this time to the bar.

When he was talking to the couple a few seats away from our table he kept looking over at me for some reason. I honestly have no idea what that was all about..I have a feeling maybe he was planning on being a douchebag all night. Either way, whatever.

Second break rolls around and he doesn’t stop by until the end to ask us if we have any requests. Shortly after he went back up to sing some sort of sleazy looking guy asked if he could buy me a drink. I thought nothing of it..who am I after all, to deny myself free alcohol, right?

I had my Rye and Coke and humored the guy a bit before giving him a fake number and excusing myself to join my friends again. The night continued on fairly quickly and before I knew it, it was the end of the night. High Five stormed up to me looking rather furious..our conversation went something like this:

him: That guy you gave your number to is a fucking coke head and drug dealer, Carrie. (whoops!)

me: I gave him a fake, high five. Relax. How am i suppose to know these things?

him: *baffled expression with eyes bugging out”

me:*shrug*

him: What the fuck ever, that’s your perogative! *storms off*

me: Yeah well, who am I to turn down free booze, huh?!

At this point I was thoroughly confused. Who was he to get all bent out of shape? I didn’t fawn all over the guy. I talked to him for maybe 10 minutes. Yes I mostly did it because I knew it would get a rise out of him, but come on! Suddenly there was commotion outside..someone tried to skip out on their tab.

Guess who? That’s right, Mr.Free Booze. Well shit, don’t I look like a fucking idiot now? So fine whatever, drama and fighting is going on outside, I just wanted to go home by this point. My friends all called their cabs and I agreed to wait with them, with the intention of walking home after the cabs got there (It’s seriously not even a 5 minute walk).

High Five seemed to have calmed down and insisted he drop me off because he didn’t want me walking. Sweet, Right? Wrong. In the car we were talking about how I’m always getting into trouble because I’m a little naive and hot (what? I am.), and he started on about how there was so much more to me than my boobs and good looks. Well thanks guy!

And then everything went sour. We pulled up to my house and said our goodbyes. We were suppose to go bowling together sometime soonish, so I asked when he was available. He mentioned something about needing to finish his basement bar in time for his Christmas party on the 17th, so it would be after that.

I turned on the big puppy eyes and gave him a look. The conversation turned into this:

him: But you know, if you’re up for a booty call, call me.

me: Do you really have to call it that?

him: It is what it is.

me: Really, high five? It’s all sex..no feelings?

him: *silence*

me: Well?

him: Well I’m not going to sugar coat it for you.

me: Fuck you. *slamming car door and stalking off down my drive way*

him: Oh come on Carrie!

Seriously? What the fuck? It took me almost 4 fucking years to sleep with him. I’ve always told him point blank I would never be a booty call to him,  I invest my feelings too much, especially with him. On top of that when this whole thing started I had told him I felt like he was just using me for the sex and he got super offended and went on about how I was the first girl he’s kissed in however many years.

So seriously, what the fuck is going on here? You’re 32 dude, grow the fuck up. Normal people talk about things when they’re pissed off, they don’t go for low blows.

Of course as soon as he got home he had to facebook status slap me. It says this: “esq, is the perpetual asshole even though he’s honest, upfront and direct.” No moron, being those things means you would have told me 3 months ago that it was just sex, you wouldn’t text me to tell me you’re thinking about me, you wouldn’t be offended when I teased you about other girls, and you wouldn’t freak the fuck out when I tell you I feel like I’m being used.

I’m beginning to think High Five has a vagina or something. I’ve blocked him on msn, and his new name in my phone is “hypocritical fucking douchebag”. I’m at a loss as to what I should be doing now. Do I avoid him? Do I rip him a new one? Fuck.

I talked to his Filmmaker friend last night for about 3 hours and we both agree that High Five is acting like an idiotic prepubescent fuck.

The shit hit the fan last night with High Five. I can’t even wrap my head around it so I’ll have to write an actual blog about it later.

I just hope it was worth it to him.