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So..I haven’t done any modeling in almost a year and a half.

I’ve gotten a little..round (okay fat) from sitting on my ass, playing video games with bad boy, and eating too many cinnabons. Mostly I’ve allowed myself to get to this point because we both have. I think bad boy and I have both gained 30-40 pounds each. Isn’t that gross? I don’t mind it on him at all-infact I like my men to be “cushy”.

But on myself? I feel disgusting. A few months ago I was my heaviest at 205 pounds. I have never in my entire life weighed more than 160 pounds. I carry the weight well-I’ve always weighed much more than I appear to. Back when my figure silhouette picture was taken I weighed 175 pounds or so. That’s what I want to get back to (I know, I know I’ve said it before)

Another reason I’ve been letting my gym membership collect dust? The lack of modelling. I’ve had tons of offers from photographers since I moved saying they want to work with me, but most of them were just interested in shooting tits and ass. All the more power to them- but I’ve always had a strict no nudity rule.  So really I just haven’t been motivated enough to agree to work with any of these people.

It was going to take an amazing photographer with a great idea to get me off my ass.

And then the message came. And it came from a fucking fantastic photographer. And the work is artistic and brilliantly done. I’ve done implied nude work before (no bits showing) and I said I’d be more than willing (elated even) to work with him if he was willing to stick with my comfort zone. And he was. Which is awesome. Nothing is worse than photographers who don’t look at your portfolio or your profile where it clearly states no nudes, and act like you’re a prude when you say no. I’ll be featured in some work for his body and shadow work.

I’m excited. The shoot will be in the new year.  I’m hoping I can get back to my optimal weight by then. I’ve already lost some weight over the last two months without trying too hard (in fact I fit into a pair of jeans I haven’t been able to fit into in a year! Yay!!). A friend suggested cutting carbs to drop weight fast (I realize I’ll gain it back when I start on them again) which makes sense, but I really fucking love carbs…and…gasp..cutting out pop.

Pop is my cryptonite. This is going to be the hardest thing. I’m down to my last 2 litre of diet coke. After this it’s cold turkey. She is right though, I do feel bloated and gross after drinking a glass of pop. It’s just that I have such a sweet tooth and I love the fizziness. I think this is going to be the hardest part.

And you know,  there’s the fact that its’ christmas and I don’t stand a chance in hell of avoiding all the delicious foods that will be made available to me. I usually gorge myself full of food- maybe I’ll try something radical and just eat until I’m full instead of until I feel like I’m going to explode?

Wish me luck folks!

I am the happiest I have been in more than a year, folks. I forgot how fucking good I am at hawking cell phones. It’s funny- my mother manages the same store I’m now working in, back in my hometown. Maybe it’s in my blood? I forgot what it was like to wake up and look forward to working.

I forgot the thrill of seeing that commission counter increase with every sale. And let me tell you folks- I’m not working the 40 hours I have been working at my past jobs, but I am making more than I have..ever. After commission I’m making about 13$ an hour and up. Not shabby for a non management retail job.

I’v e been at the job for almost two weeks, I’ve only had my own under id’s for the systems since last friday. I’ve made more tha 200$ commission in 3 or 4 shifts of 6 hours each.

I just needed to brag for a minute.

In addition to being happier, my relationship is the best it’s ever been. There’s been lots of talk about the future. Even children (which I honestly never though would be something I’d be willing to even consider)

Our fridge is broken-our heat isn’t working. We have no proper food. We have no money due to the car mishap.  We aren’t buying Christmas gifts for anyone this year. The anti-glare coating on my glasses is peeling and giving me headaches, but I can’t afford to replace them or my contacts. By all accounts I should be miserable. My old self would have been.

But I’m not. I can’t even put into words how nice it is to finally not be feeling like I’m in a pit of despair.

So I got an awesome job, and I’m super excited. I am however, waiting for everything to implode. But hey, I think I deserve to catch a freaking break. Right? Right?!?!?!

Anyway, Bad Boy and I have no money to buy anyone Christmas gifts. I know I’ve talked about our car here, and how it costs us a small fortune every month. I don’t think I’ve talked much about how I got a lemon. My conversations about my car with people usually go like this:

Me: I drive a ford focus (I honestly don’t understand why everyone asks everyone else what they drive. What if I didn’t drive?)

Them: (Insert relative or friend’s name here) drives a focus. They love theirs! You’re so lucky.

Me: If you like focuses so much, take mine. Please.

Them: But (so and so) hasn’t had any issues with theirs! It’s a 2003 and running great.

Me:Mine’s a 2007 and a shit bucket. I’m starting to feel bitter, so let’s change the subject.

I’ve also mentioned before that bad boy is in a band (man..remind me to make them a website…this myspace thing is terrible.). We go to our hometown almost every weekend so they can jam and prepare for gigs. Last Sunday was no exception. Spirits were high- I had my second interview for the job I have now the next morning and I was excited to see my family and do free laundry.

Bad Boy was excited to get drunk and play the guitar (because boys playing the guitar are dead sexy) and have my sober ass drive us home after.

Last year at this time we had snow…lots and lots of snow. This particular day we had rain. Lots and lots of rain. I hate driving our car in the rain. Ever since we got the damn thing it’s been a swervy mess. Even the slightest it of rain and I swear I can feel it sliding all over-Bad Boy calls me paranoid. None the less, I made him drive because I just had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Right when we were outside of our hometowm a transport flew by us and the car nearly swerved into the side rail. I may or may not have peed a little. Right after that moment the car just stopped driving properly. The brakes weren’t working, we were swerving all over and going less than half the speed limit on a highway.

It was terrifying.

Eventually we were able to turn off onto an exit. Bad Boy  got out of the car to take a look, and when he got back into the car his face was a little pale. “It’s much worse than we thought” he said. Naturally I thought we had run over a hobo and his body was stuck under the car or something (because I am oh so rational.) so I got out to have a look.

I’m pretty sure the back tires on a car are supposed to look like this: |—–| ours was something like this /—–|.  I called a tow truck.  We waited 2 fucking hours. The tow truck showed up and they started pulling our car onto the back of the truck. It moved maybe a foot before the entire wheel bearing flew off.

If we had driven a foot further we would have died.

Apparently when the bearing broke it damaged our brake lines as well. Lucky Bad Boy’s brother is good with cars so we were able to get it fixed for the price of parts and a case of beer. It still cost way too much, so now no one is getting Christmas presents.

To top all of it off we were stranded 2 hours from home and I had an interview at 9am the next morning for a job I wanted desperately. I also had to work my regular jhob at 10am. My mother and grandparents weren’t willing to let me borrow a car, so I went out on a limb and called my father.

I was able to sweet talk him into letting me borrow his Monte Carlo. I got a total of 4 hours sleep that night.

The following night when I was returning the car I got really lost and ended up sobbing on the side of the road.

There’s never a dull day in Ashli-ville.

Being unemployed is boring. I clean, I tidy, I surf the web, I apply for jobs.

And then what? I’ve reread tons of books, I’ve finished several video games. I’m going stir crazy people! This isj ust a small post to let everyone know that things are looking up-at least temporarily. I’ll post more details soon. It’s been a trying time, and things haven’t been easy over the last two weeks or so, but I think I’ll come out stronger for it.

Phew. Big sigh of relief. I’ll roll with it.

Coming Up: Posts on future plans, a huge fucking rant about ecoaquariums. It makes my blood boil. Prepare yourself folks.

And of course the obligatory “I want this and this and this and this” entry. Because Christmas makes me greedy. (oh shaddup, like it doesn’t have that effect on you)

It was 12:30 in the afternoon. I grunted and rolled over, pulling the comforter over my head while trying to ignore Bad Boy as he continuously proded me with his foot. I could smell eggs and bacon and hear the gentle clank of silverwear on a plate as he continued to poke at me while holding breakfast in one hand, and some diet coke in the other.

“Ash get up. This is getting ridiculous.”

“I’m a failure. That’s the only thing ridiculous about this situation.”

“No, the fact that you are turning down bacon and eggs, and haven’t showered in 2 days is ridiculous. I let you sleep until noon, then I cleaned the kitchen and slaved over the stove to make you some breakfast in bed. Get the fuck up before I let Jasper jump all over you.”

I couldn’t help it. I had to giggle. I peeked out over the top of the blankets just in time tobe body slammed by our 100+ pound dog. Chunks of fur flew everywhere s Jasper did a full body shake. It is ofcourse, the time of year when he blows his coat so it’s falling ut in huge chunks. Thankfully Bad Boy had enough sense to cover my food with another plate.

“All right, I’m up…I’m up.” I’d been fighting the darkness for two days. Ever since my latest career endeavor had ended much like the many before it: me being thrown out on my ass without being given a chance to even prove my worth. I was crushed. After it happened I sat outside in the cold crying with no coat for a half hour before calling Bad Boy. I glared at mall patrons as they cast glances my way while entering the mall. I thought bitter, hate filled thoughts about the girls entering the mall with their name tags belonging to various stores. Imagining that many of them were managers much like I had been, wondering how many had carelessly fired their employees. How many lives had they ruined?

Because that’s exactly it, my life is ruined. As soon as the inexperienced 20 year old told me she had to “let me go” because I wasn’t passionate or motivated enough by my 4th full time shift I felt the darkness come up and swallow me whole. It happens every once in a while since I’ve been off my medication, but it has never been like this.

As I sat outside crying, absently rubbing my cold knuckles together I remembered what it felt like 3 years earlier when I took a piece of glass to my wrist. It was painful-too painful. Pills would be much a better choice. For the first time in nearly 3 years the thought popped into my mind: maybe I was better off dead. Maybe everyone was right, I was going to amount to nothing. I had debt I was never going to be rid of, I was never going to have a job work out.

I was worthless, so what was the point? At that moment our Silver Ford Focus pulled up and Bad Boy got out. I didn’t notice him right away, I was too busy lost in the darkness. I just mumbled that my head hurt before bursting into tears as he ushered me into the car. He leaned over and kissed my forhead telling me everything would be fine. I sat there and cried. Both because I knew he was right, and also because I was terrified.

I’ve showered finally, and my head is a little clearer. But I still feel the darkness lurking inside. Mostly I’m angry. Angry at myself for apparently not trying hard enough at a job I was really very excited to have. Angry because the irresponsibilities of my past were coming back to haunt me. And angry because I took a chance on a company that recently filed for Bankruptcy protection, but they were clearly not willing to take a chance on me.

At the interview the district manager asked me what was important to me in a job. I explained that I wanted a job where I could develop my leadership skills, a job where I would know if I wasn’t living up to expectations so I would have a chance to improve. Afterall, if no one tells you what the expectations are, how will you know?

She agreed enthusiastically with everything I said.

Yet here I am 3.5 full time shifts in the job, being let go with no warning. Because I wasn’t motivated enough or passionate enough. No one took into account that I was concentrating on learning things, or that adjusting from sitting on my ass all day at work to being on my feet was exhausting and emotionally taxing.

No second chances.

Churf came to visit.

It’s funny how you can not see someone for a year (our very brief encounter in Windsor doesn’t count) and it’s like no time has passed at all. We slipped right back into our normal routine. We have the same inside jokes, same personalities. We’re still just as close.

I miss being a few blocks away from each other. I miss walking into each others apartments without knocking. I ache for it. I do however, feel much more like myself now that I’ve seen her. It really does reaffirm my need for friendship. Obviously that’s not something I’ve had alot of luck with since the move.

And since taking a management position, I won’t be persuing friendships at work. That’s something that has just continuously bit me in the ass. I think I may try to volunteer somewhere..maybe the humane society.  I’m also going to get back into modelling once I lose a little bit of weight. I think I need contact with people. I need new friendships. I need to try at least.

Churf and I did agree to try and see each other more. She has a better car, soon enough money shouldn’t be a huge issue for me anymore. Hopefully we’ll see each other for New Years.

We are however getting old. We didn’t go out, we sat around and played Modern Warfare 2, drank and talked. It was awesome and I really needed it. Next time we’ll set aside a whole weekend and make plans to tear the town a new one.

I’ll just need to sleep until 1pm first to prepare.

I have a love/hate relationship with bubble-gum punk. Something about female vocal leads in this genre just amazes me. Maybe it’s a throwback to the vocal lessons I took throughout my childhood and adolescence (there’s a fun trivia fact..most of my closest friends dont even know about that), but I love hearing female vocals. Love it.

I often openly admit to my love for Christina Perri, she isn’t really pop punk though.

Anyway, when Bad Boy leaves to do band stuff, or the odd time we have opposite days off I will sit here and immerse myself in embarassingly sugary music. Why? Because I’m so embarassed I can’t force myself to listen to it when he’s around or even in the car (the cd would be evidence. Very rarely does someone snoop through your mp3′s on a pc to make fun of you.

Lyrics like, “Don’t mind me if I get weak in the knees, ’cause you have that effect on me. You do.” make me want to squeel with girlish delight. Rest assured I don’t actually take part in any squeeling..I more or less perform karaoke to my dog.  He probably thinks I’m insane. He does however, get very excited. Naturally I assume this is because I am awesome.

Someday soon I’ll make some friends and take part in some real karaoke.

Here’s my playlist for today:

Hey Monday:

6 Months

Run Don’t Walk

Hurrican Streets

*note: I just downloaded their latest and am partaking in my first listen. So far so good.

Paramore:

When It Rains

Misery Business

The Only Exception

Some less..“Poppy” female lead bands worth noting: Flyleaf and Tsunami Bomb (special note to the song Lemonade.)

So now you all know my guilty pleasures. Please don’t tell anyone.

^ Love that song. Adore the video.

Anyway, the point is this- I am one resilient bitch. I may have lost my job a few weeks ago, but I am bouncing back my minions.

Two days after I lost my job, I got a new one at a groomer.

Pros

-I love grooming. Have ever since I did it for an animal rescue.

-I love playing with dogs.

-I got to play in a tub all day (oh come on, you like tubs too!)

-No weird hours or shift work.

Cons:

-Terrible hours (28 a week)

-Minimum wage

-Not all dogs are friendly. Do I want to risk losing an eye, lip, finger or other essential body part for minimum wage?

-By the end of the day my feet and back were  screaming in pain

-No real breaks

I worked the grooming job for 3 whole shifts, and I really did enjoy it.  But I also have bills to pay. And a new car that needs buying. I was then offered another call centre job for the same pay I was getting before. After crunching numbers and looking at my budget it became quite clear that I needed to take the new job.

Unfortunately I didn’t have the number for my boss at the groomer so I had to fire off an email basically begging for forgiveness, and explaining the situation. Strangely enough I have not received a reply, nor have I received any pay (Note the sarcasm folks.)

So..the call centre job..

Pros:

-consistent hours

-much better pay

-fully paid benefits after 6 months

-no weekends!

Cons

-It’s a call centre.

-It’s an outbound call centre.

-the first 500$ is paid in cash (hello sketchy)

-I received 2 hours of training (not enough)

So..fine..its an okay job. However the training was subpar, and being a telemarketer is the shits. Naturally I continued to look for other work. I had some interviews in retail, but one went absolutely amazingly. I know I sound like every employers worst nightmare when I say this, but when I was offered an assistant management position at a shoe store, I couldn ‘t say no.

But again, it’s not all good news. The pay is base salary with bonus and commission. I’ve never worked in a shoe store so I honestly have no idea how much this store does in sales.  I will say that I hope it is a lot because my base salary isn’t even minimum wage.  My commission is 3% of my own sales and .005% of the stores sales.

They wouldn’t offer me this kind of pay structure if it wouldn’t end up equaling a decent wage, right? Right?!?! I figure I can make it work right now. Christmas will be busy, and once my 90 days is up (knock on fucking wood) I can ask for a higher salary.   I really wish I had more experience with Salary wages. I have no idea what to expect.

Anyway folks, maybe losing that job will work out for the best. I have very good feelings about this job. And I will definitely be giving it 150%. I can’t stand the thought of losing another job.

Oh boy.

I’m sure everyone who has followed my blogs knows that I have the worst luck ever.

Exactly one week ago that luck struck again. And again, it happened right when things were looking up. To make it short,  Bad Boy and I had finally agreed to get rid of my super expensive Ford Focus (Though I will miss my Delilah) and opt for something cheaper and paid for in full.

Except we didn’t have enough to get something even semi-decent, so Bad Boy took out a small loan so we could buy a new car. We looked around a bit, and even test drove a few cars (these awful experiences will be saved for a blog about the specific follies of buying a car in this town). We finally were down to one last car, a 2002 black  door Pontiac Sunfire. The body was mint, all we needed to do was test drive it.

On my first break at work I called and made an appointment for 6. The rest of my day went as per usual. I called customers, tried to get them to upgrade their credit cards, got hung up on alot, and surfed the internet between calls to read reviews on the cars we were looking at.

One week ago today, was my 89th day on the job. Once you hit day 90 in Ontario, employers have to go through a series of steps before they can fire you. I worked for American Express, I did outbound sales. It sucked, but the hours were decent (Monday to Friday, 9-5) and the pay wasn’t bad either. It was the same as I was making as an assistant manager in retail. We were expected to do one sale an hour. What does this have to do with buying a car you ask? Well read on..

That number is nearly impossible to do unless you charm the customer by twisting the benefits of upgrading their card, or outright lie to them. When I started my sales were awful..something like .39 an hour or something. The day I was fired I was at .89. To me that is a huge improvement. I followed company policy, I said the things I was supposed to say and I asked the questions I was told to ask. I did my job, and although I had a love hate relationship with my job, I never let it effect my ethic.

At 4pm, one hour before the end of the day I was called into the front offices (everyone at work knew the front offices were a death sentence). I was fired for lack of sales evwen though I didn’t have the least sales of anyone on the team. I was fired 7 hours into my 8 hour shift, on my 89th day of work on the day I was supposed to purchase a car and start cleaning up my loads of debt.

Welcome to my life.

I made the move from Windsor to London almost a year ago. In Windsor I had friends. They helped me through a horrible period in my life. We got drunk. We flirted with boys. We broke into abandoned buildings and did stupid things. We ran from the cops while trespassing several times.

For the first time in my life when I entered a relationship, I didn’t abandon my friendships. I still saw them on an almost daily basis. But apparently I abandoned my friendships when I moved. That’s the only explanation I can think of for the lack of communication, or effort on anyone’s part (including my own).  I gave up trying a long time ago.

I’ve seen a few of these friends once since the move. It was at one of Bad Boy’s shows at a bar in Windsor. They showed up at 1am and left maybe a half hour later. I’ve mentioned visits going both ways, I’ve tried texting. I’ve tried facebook messaging. I’ve tried pretty much everything I can. And maybe I’m overreacting, but I’m beginning to wonder if these people were ever my friends to begin with.

I’m fine when Bad Boy is around, but when he’s not I’m just reminded of how alone I am. I have made friends in London. Two girls come to mind. But each have their own issues to deal with so making plans is its own battle. The guys I’ve made friends with seemingly have alterior motives. I’m trying here, but funds are limited until we get rid of the car. So right now I’m limited to work and the gym.

The people in London are also a whole different breed than the ones in Windsor. I’ve met more self involved, naive and flakey people in the last year than I have in my entire lifetime. It’s depressing. I’m too old to make new friends. That’s how I feel anyway.

I’m currently considering a massive facebook purge. I doubt I’ll ever actually go through with it.